Self Help / How to Library - Digital Downloads for Stroke Victims / Caregivers

Electronic Media prints - EMprints / CSC, P.O. Box 8261 Springfield, IL 62791-8262

All By Myself?

I'm trying to write this by myself, without any help. My Internet rights are restricted by my wife. She normally censors things that I say. This time she has has agreed to let me do this myself editing the punctuation and grammar only as long as it isn't too bad. I believe this is something that only those of us who've been there can truly understand.

I am slow being both mentally and physically impaired. I have trouble conveying my thoughts, tend to ramble and was right handed. (I am typing this with my left index finger.) So, be ready for anything!

I belong to a stroke group. As I listened to comments from other members, I came to realize that many of us have much in common. I have lost the respect of my wife, family, friends and neighbors. Now many of them treat me more like a child than a father, husband or neighbor. Maybe they're right to do so. I don't know. Everything that I say from here on will be based on My Near Death Experience.

I'm very tired of the life that I live and the ridicule that I receive, but mostly I feel sympathy for others. Especially the ones that I love. I don't know how to make them understand that we all have a choice and there will be consequences.

If you are still with me, and willing to listen, yes I am tired but feel very obligated to continue. All of my life I had two prayers. (see story) When I was begging to come back, I was made aware that for the rest of my life, to earn my way into heaven I must serve Him and agreed. I never knew how, so I got a couple of versions of the Bible on CD and read day and night for two years trying to make sense of it all. Was it a dream, a vision, or as explained by my doctors an illusion?

When I was at the psychiatrist (see story) it all became clear. I need to serve God and all of my life up until this point was simply a learning experience. It's what I do from here on out that matters. I have since come to view my disabilities as a reminder. (see story)

It's strange, I used to think that I had it all but was never happy and always searching. Now I have almost nothing and am happier than I've ever been in my life. Yes, at times it would be easier to compromise but I can't. I feel that I must be strong!

I believe that God needs people like me. It's easy for a preacher to preach in church. Everyone there came to listen. Where did Jesus preach? He went out into the world to preach to sinners like me. To the people that many preachers don't want to associate, be seen around or even waste their time with. Whom did he choose as Disciples? Again…

It seems like every time I go to church they have a special offering plate for a building fund. Many of the churches are already huge and reeking of money. The preachers have expensive suits, Cadillacs etc. I asked a preacher in a new, large, beautiful church why they were collecting again, because they just finished the last addition. He said, "We get tired of folding the seats up and down every week. So we're going to make a new worship center. Do you know how hard it is to fold the seats up every Thursday for our volleyball games?"

While searching, we went to a different church. The sermon opened with the preacher in a rock band. At the end of the deafening music, they acted like they had a machine shooting the audience. The congregation went wild! They were selling caps, tee shirts, sunglasses, coffee mugs etc. in the lobby coffee shop. It felt like a den of inequity. Is it just me??? My children keep telling me that the world has changed and that I need to also. I argue, "No, it's others that needs to change".

Have you ever seen or heard of the movie "Oh God" with John Denver? It's a comedy about a man that God came here on earth to visit. It was funny to watch but is lonely to live. It's my life story since the NDE. He was lucky; God left him a business card to show others that He really did visit him. When John showed it to others, it was hilarious. It's exactly the way that I feel. Only, all that I have is belief. I don't even have a card.

I spent ten years sitting lost and alone in our basement waiting for my wife to come home from work. Then almost ten years to the day after my NDE, I was introduced to horseshoe nail crosses. (My Wakeup Call) That was over five years ago. I have since come to believe that like Moses and Noah, I was being prepared for a reason and this is my mission; or I have just gone insane. (I still sit alone but now have a worthwhile reason to live) Or, maybe I'm making too much out of nothing. You be the judge.

While I was explaining this all preachers they would ridicule me. Asking, "What makes me so special? They have the degrees. If He would come to someone it would be someone like them, surely not a sinner like me. There is no way that I could be a modern day Disciple. I would ask, "Can't I be a Christian Soldier? After all that is what you encourage me to be? What's the difference?" Then I would be asked to leave. They acted like its some sort of honor that you earn not even beginning to appreciate that I didn't choose God, He chose me. I don't get it either!

Now that God is rapidly beginning taken out of the U.S., it is getting increasingly difficult. Now my main prayer is. "Please give me the courage to defend you at any cost".

How do I give up? How do I change? Knowing what I know now, I can't. I'm in too deep. It may sound crazy, but I'm afraid that if I quit, that I will die. I made the deal and don't regret it, but it's much more difficult than I anticipated! I've almost died from a heart attack and bleeding twice since my NDE. (I occasionally pass out when my heart stops beating. One time I landed on my nose and broke it. If they hadn't found me when they did, I was told that I would have bled to death in a few minutes.) All three times I was told that I must have a Guardian Angel because under the circumstances I should be dead. During my last visit to the doctor about two months ago, he told me, "If I were a cat, I've got six lives left".

It seems funny to me that people in every country, speaking many different languages and believing in different Gods have very similar dreams, visions or illusions. Did you know that they recently found the Dead Sea scrolls and found quotes from it in the Bibles of every major religion? They were here first. What are we now supposed to believe? I have come to believe in Jesus Christ as my savior but realize that God works in strange ways and that true believers of every religion are trying to get to the same place. All doors lead… (see story)

I can ramble on forever and bore you to death for hours, but it won't help. To me, it all comes down to belief. I do believe that I am "One of the Chosen Few". However, I believe that we all can be. It's simply a matter of choice. I can only speak for myself, "I would rater live my life believing there is a God only to find out there isn't, than to live it as though there isn't only to find out there is".

Just like the Disciples we can serve Him or turn our backs and walk. We will never know if we are correct until the end, and if we just die, we won't even know then. So, what's the use? You will have to make that decision on your own. No body else can make it for you. I choose to be a loyal and faithful servant no matter where it may lead. As for me, the next time that I walk that lonesome valley I hope to follow peacefully knowing that I used my second chance wisely. I am a very lucky person. Not everyone gets a second chance. (see story)

People usually react to me in one of two ways. They perceive me as a delusional prima Madonna and/or embarrassed to be around a drooling cripple. If you too think that I've gone off the deep end, I can't blame you. Now, think how my family feels. They didn't ask for this either.

EMprints

Self Help / How to Library for Stroke Victims, Caregivers & Others

Stroke Awareness & Prevention - Free information downloaded from the Internet and compiled into this easy to read format.

My wakeup Call - Late one night... I was sitting at the computer... I remember saying, "God... I'm tired of living like this. If this is it, please get it over with. Less than one minute later, I heard a chime... (excerpts)

My Near Death Experience - I was not a religious person. All of my adult life, I only had two prayers. The first, God when the time comes, give me a second chance; the second, please don't take me until my children are grown. Never really believing, I said these prayers every once in a while, just in case. You know what I mean. Little did I know that both prayers would be answered on the same day, Easter Sunday, 1994.

How I Make a Horseshoe Nail Christian Cross Necklace - This motivating craft changed our lives!!! - I've read... Can you... imagine the potential? - Believe me, if I can be successful at it, anyone can!

Now that I am old and gray, do not abandon me, O God. Let me live to tell the people of this age what your strength has accomplished, to tell about your power to all who will come. - Psalm 71:18

Email

EMprints / CSC, P.O. Box 8261 Springfield, IL 62791-8261

PRIVACY STATEMENT - This website DOES NOT use spy ware. You are NOT tracked! Hit-counters are used to monitor activity; but THAT'S ALL! You will not be receiving annoying emails by visiting or clicking on any of the text links or pictures on this website! GUARANTEED!!! Information is NEVER harvested, given away or sold to any individual or organization!

Proceeds from this website are used to fund my libraries here & christiansoldierscross.com

Electronic Media prints - EMprints / CSC, P.O. Box 8261 Springfield, IL 62791-8262

EMprints

Self Help / How to Library for Stroke Victims, Caregivers & Others

Christian Soldiers Cross Who Packs Your 'Chutes?